Motivation

I am so full of motivation for several things it amazes me. The Spring fever bug bit me good!

We are planning a garden this spring. We have the area tilled slightly. Thanks to Holly and Ed for the use of the tiller and Ryan for operating that scary beast for me!! Whoa Mama that thing is precarious looking. My little Luke got me started on the gardening business this year. With fun requests to grow pickles and bouncy ball trees. Pickles I can definitely do (well try at least.) The Bouncy Ball Tree sounds amazing, but don't think I could pull it off! :) We decided to grow peas, tomatoes, cucumbers (pickles), beans carrots and onions. Luke wasn't to excited about onions but we use them in EVERYTHING! I Love onions. So that is out plan. With the gorgeous weather we have been having I felt excited about getting going on the garden and Luke was too. So

I bought a seed starting tray and we planted some flowers to plant in the flower beds in the front of the house, given that I am not sure how well it will go there until the gutters get installed. We might find another home for our starter flowers if the gutters are not in when they are ready to be transplanted. Luke was super excited about sunflowers when we looked at seeds the other day. So I picked some of those up too, along with lavender and cosmos for the seed starters.

I am really hoping to give them a learning experience with this too. So we all planted the starters and I really hope they turn out because that was a little chaotic. Adalei poked and over seeded most of hers and my little gardener Luke was meticulous on his. Such a proud mama! I really wanted to label them also, but the chaos overran, and I'm mot sure whats where. I am going to try to photograph our seed growths to for Luke and Adalei to learn more. and make a diagram, and a "what a plant needs booklet" I saw on Pinterest.

I have been interested in home supplement schooling both of them. I don't know if I could home school my kids, but I am willing to at least start a scheduled time of day to work with both kids on developing their little minds. Trying to get lots of ideas on how to do this and how much I dig into it. I envision 2 little desks and shelves of school supplies and a little calendar and weather board. But, my home isn't prepared to have such a room right now. Maybe when Adalei's room is done upstairs? Or the guest room we could use too! Uww the gears a rolling.

I have been also very ambitiously cleaning my house. I am a FlyBaby! Check out www.FlyLady.net Last week I had off and I CLEANED! House looks great and now I am concentration my efforts on certain areas in the house like the web page guides you to do. I love it! Baby steps are great for the messiest areas!

I am also very motivation to continue to lose weight. I am down 37 pounds since January! I keep finding delicious healthy meals to make. My hubby is enjoying them and we are both dropping the pounds. I will say though, I would love to eat sweets everyday, but I feel so much better, and from this post you can tell I feel very ambitious and energized. Ryan has lost over 50, and is looking HOT! (If I do say so myself!) :) We are still doing the Pound Plunge and currently 2ND place!!!!!! Woo HOO! 2 more weeks until the final weigh in. We are excited and exercising fools right now getting as much as we can done to prepare for it! I am actually thinking of trying to do a 5K run as a long term goal with my weight loss. They have lots of neat apps on the smart phones and there are several Couch to 5 K apps to help you prepare. Finished day 2 today. The runs are 3 x per week. Really enjoyed running today! I found out from my very first run this year that I have exercise induced asthma, and talked to a Dr about it. So I started using an inhaler just prior to running and today I could SO tell a difference! I didn't think I was dying after wards (or even 5 hours afterwards, like I had the first run).

Speaking of ailments, my sinus infection is nearing its death. The chest cold is finally lifting. I also had nerve numbness/pain with a headache too and the nerves are still not great, but the headaches are better. I do have some left arm weakness though. So if after my steroid regimen is done with this week, and if I still have that crazy numb/nerve stuff I am going to talk with the Dr. again. The idea that maybe an MRI is needed was thrown out there, so if you could say quick prayer that this silly nerve stuff would resolve on its own that would be greatly appreciated.

Okay well now that your eyes are bleeding, I will let you get back to your regularly scheduled lives! Thanks for taking time to read my blog.

God Bless
Cindy

Hearts desires

I had an amazing Mothers Day. I worked on Sunday, it was a quiet day. One of my co-workers gave 2 roses to each of us working. So, sweet of her. After I got home I was welcomed with hugs and kisses galore, and my fabulous husband made me supper: goobers (cut up and fried breaded stew meat), fried potatoes, creamed corn, and cottage cheese. Yummo!And for dessert he made me brownie pudding! Yum. I couldn't of tasted any better that is unless my Momma had made it! :) I also got two homemade card and two colored pictures from the kids, and chocolates and a Glee CD and the blue-ray of Notebook! We watched the notebook and i cried and then I read and played with my babies and then it was bedtime. Great day!

Friday night I talked to Ryan about my unsure calling. The end result was what I thought it was going to be. Keep praying, our family probably can't logical do that right now, but if God want us to continue with that that he will figure a way for us to be able to do it. I will also mention that prior to telling him I prayed again as to if this is what He wanted. After I talked to Ryan what I may have thought was Him telling me that our next baby would have DS, Ryan said that I maybe am just letting my subconscious fears rule over. I really don't know what is Him and what is me. So anyways, I am still seeking. However, I did tell Ryan to open his mind to a calling. He hesitantly said he would.

So thus, hearts desires or God's desires? That is the question.

Life Cyclical

I feel like this time in my life is repetitious. I am aware that I have added another child into the mix, but I feel like things are in a way deja vu to me right now.
I am creatively in tune, and trying to find outsources for it.
I feel the absolute need to lose weight and exercise, and by ends day haven't accomplished much into that.
I feel more need to share more thus blog more. Which is good for this page, because to be honest, about 2 months ago I was very tempted to just delete my blog. I was certain my lack of post had resulted in no readers anymore. I am glad to see I still have one reader. :)


Another cyclic event is the potty training of my Adalei. No go yet. She has been going pee-pee following our q 15 minute potty breaks. I am going to keep trying, but if she doesn't get it over this weekend I might give her some more time to figure out things before pressuring her. She know when she does go, she says "potty, yucky." just getting her there before an accident happens hasn't happened. Yet! Sigh.

The need for organization and cleanliness is pressuring me. I really want some motivation and ideas on how to organize things.

Lastly but not least, is my feelings of the need to show kindness and love to others, yet not smothering them. I think I miss having time with friends outside of work that I seen to bother those that I work with a little bit. I have a overwhelming need to be liked, that I am very paranoid at times that everyone hates me, and am way to sensitive, however, in trying to not be so sensitive I become unkind. Ugh. I need a happy medium!

Phew. That felt good! Cleaned and organized my brain a little at least. Alright nap time for my babies are in order, now I will work on cleaning and other fun things I need to tackle!!

Ramblings

Things are going well with work. I really enjoy my job and am learning quite a bit. And quite a bit about myself. I have doctor-phobias.... I really don't talk to them well because I let myself become intimidated by them. Well the Dr.s here are wonderful and open and friendly and that has allowed me to slowly get over this phobia, hopefully sooner than later. I am really trying to overcome my my fear of emergency too.... Hopefully one day my knees won't knock and I won't get flustered when we get emergencies. Seriously!

I will tell you that I am not adjusting to the day/night sleep thing. I am SUPER sleepy all the time, and lack any motivation to get anything done! I feel very neglectful of my home. Night 5 of the nights rotation during this month. Once, this month is over than I can go back to mostly days and only a few night shift. It will work out SO much better.

I do feel kind of isolated now. I really don't have much for friends..... Or any desire to leave my house to visit them. I rarely leave Arnold, so my N.P. friends/family that I only saw for events and work are neglected. I really want to fit in at work and have friends here, but I feel like maybe I am pushing too much. Sigh.

Oh yeah, my sis -in-law is preggers. I am beyond happy for them. Ryan told me that I am going to end up with baby fever by the time the new little one joins the Tullis clan, but I'm already there. However I get in a panic when the prospect of that actually happening is a possibility. And then once the "scare" is over, I am truly disappointed! Argh! I really want to wait until Adalei is 2 and/or potty trained. If it happens before, I will be very happy. If it doesn't.... Not concerned either. But let me clarify, we are NOT trying.

My sister is getting married next week, I am so happy! Not excited about my "heavyweight" body going into the bridesmaid dress, but exuberant for her and excited to celebrate the momentous occasion with her!!!

I am sorry this has been so long to get an update, but to tell you the truth the whole Adalei's Journey is sticking out like a sore thumb, and I really am lacking the memory on most of it. So If I finish it I do.. If I don't I'm sorry. Maybe it would just be easier to copy and paste my facebook statuses to this and them you can see all of it..... Hmmm? It would lack the emotion though.
One thing that I will say about that now, is that at my new job they have the soap we had to use before we could go back to see Adalei, every time I smell it it takes my right back there. Deep, DEEP emotions overwhelm me. I never experienced such nostalgia from smells like that before. I think of holding her for the first time after her surgery, breast pumping, remember the beeps of the machines, all the tubes. It swirls through my head in a millisecond, and I am briefly sad and then I rejoice, because my miracle baby survived all of it. Thanking God every time.

Have a wonderful day! God bless you all!

Adalei's Journey Part III

I'm sorry I haven't been to bloggy. Started back at work and it has been an adjustment to get myself in flow with the new routine. I am procrastinating on finishing my Journey posts because I don't know if I can remember all of it clearly. It's all a little foggy. But I will do my best.





We went to her isolette in the NICU. There she was with all the monitor watching over her. I looked up at the screen reading numbers, knowing where they should be and horrifically finding they were no where near that. Oxygen Sats in the 70s. Heart rate 110s. My heart plummeted. I tried to stay strong. I was confused. I tried to make myself understand it all. I felt guilty for not knowing why there was those crappy numbers and no interventions being done. She was lying there with an iv. There was a tiny oxygen mask nearby but not on her. I was puzzled. I looked to the nurses with tears in my eyes. They knew my question before I did.


"Her oxygen levels have to stay low so her natural patent ductus foramen will stay open, and won't naturally close. If she is well oxygenated it will close and there will be no oxygenated blood into her body, just her lungs."


70s-80 oxygen saturations... brain function. oxygen. The brain needs oxygen.


"Her brain function should not be affected."


Hmm. They read my thoughts. My questions must have been written on my face. Slightly relieved.


Her color, her little feet are dusky, I want to so bad comfort and hold her. I touch her and make her mad, and she startles. The nurse politely instructed me to not stroke but hold constant touch to her skin. I want to pick her up. I want to put her back in my belly and keep her healthy inside of me. I want to take back every minute of time that I spoke of wanting her to be born. Just make her better, what is wrong with her, will she live, will she die? God please let her live. Please heal my sweet sweet Adalei.


I go back to my room to find some sweet friends that had come to welcome little Adalei, and meet her 4 day old baby as well. I give little Anna a caress on the top of her head, thinking man I wish it was my baby, I wish I could be holding my healthy little girl. i head into my room and start to gather my belongings, I have a few short hours until the Air flight team would arrive. I had to compose myself. I stared at the wall, at my bed, became irritated with everything int eh room and came back to my worried stupor. I Packed and repacked. Stuff for me to go on the fligh,t stuff to be sent with Ryan to brig in the vehicle to come to Denver, and things that could be sent home.


My new night nurse comes in and gives me my dismissal papers, I take some Ibuprofen, and decided to breast pump for Adalei. It was the only thing I felt I had control of. I didn't get much and the nurse decided it was not enough to save and pitched it. I bawled. Even that was taken from me.


I felt so numb, Ryan felt so far away, I felt empty like I wasn't there. Numb. 8:30 came the flight was supposed to arrive around 900pm. I'm getting anxious and went into see my daughter again. I really don't remember much during this time, just watching her, then returning to my room and staring at all the faces in the room. Luke was getting tired and crabby, and I was frustrated with him, but I wanted him close. My healthy little boy. We discussed family plans, who was coming , and who was staying. Mom and Dad would go to Denver. Ryan Chad and ED would go together to Denver. Kim and Chris would go together to Denver. Holly, Tricia, Bryce, Bella, and Luke would come later.


900pm came and went. We went and talked to the nursing staff. The flight team couldn't leave Denver yet because of the weather. wait.wait. wait.


1000pm the flight team just arrived, now we had to wait and see if they thought I could ride along with Adalei or not. Again wait. Wait. Wait. I believe Mom left for Denver about this time, and was going to pick up Dad on the way there.


Signed the ambulance tranfer papers, signed air flight papers. Got the "okay" that I could ride along they believed and Ryan left, with his brother and dad to go to Denver and meet us at P/SL.


I thought we would be leaving very soon after, 1030 came then 1100. I went to see what was going on. They had to intubate Adalei, because she needed prostiglandins (which would help keep the patent ductus foramen open ) in which made her red all over, and more importantly could make her become apneic (stop breathing), thus, the breathing tube. The Air flight team did this, however my little fighter didn't tolerate the procedure and fought them through it. So it took longer.

They had her all ready to go, the family members that were staying behind peeked at Adalei as she was wheeled by.

We finally left the hospital at 1122 pm, on a very slow moving ambulance to a airport where this tiny jet was. They loaded my baby up and I climbed in. It was the fastest trip to Denver I've ever had or ever will have, but it felt like it took forever. I was ready to have answers, and a plan, and my baby.

The jet we rode in. Stay tuned..... Adalei wants me to stop blogging and feed her right now! :)

Adalei's Journey Part II

Grandparents holding Adalei. My father hasn't gotten the chance to hold her yet!!!

Soon very soon he will! :)

Our first complete family photo! We are so thrilled!

The morning after she was born. Medical student examining Adalei.

We enjoyed having people come a visit us that night and almost all the next day.

The night she was born Aunt Tricia and cousin Bryce visited.

Granma and Papa and Luke came to visit. And of course my sister and mother were there also. My sister took most of the photos and I now realize that I didn't get a picture of her holding Adalei snapped that night. Bummer! Hopefully my mom did though.

August 11th, 2009

In the morning, Adalei is continuing to do well. Eating great and acting completely normal. Due to her being over 9 pounds they had to check her sugars frequently, and at times she did drop, and I had to feed her formula to bring her glucose back to were it needed to be. I had fun dressing her up and putting her bow in her hair.

Aunt Brentney, cousin Gage, Aunt Kimmy and Chris came for a visit. Aunt Brentney loved holding her niece and they brought her a cute outifit and stuffed bunny.

We had lots of visitors from around the hospital. Tonda, Lisa, Sharon, Lisa K. Ruby. That's all I remember right now. I feel bad if I've forgotten, but the whirlwind that happened shortly after has left my brain void of all the memory. We had been taking a long nap. Adalei really wasn't terribly hungry that afternoon and was a sleepy girl (now I know that was lethargy from the lack of oxygen) . They came and took Adalei for her hearing test around 3:00. Ryan left to go to the lumber yard in Ogallala. Adalei's future babysitter came up for a visit as well as Granma Holly and Luke. Around 4:30, In what a seemed like an eternity, the nurse came in with her overseeing nurse (she was orienting) and they informed me that Adalei is having some oxygen problems, and that they were doing an ECHO and ABG's and other test on her to see what was wrong and that Dr. S would be in soon to tell us what was going on.

My heart stopped. I remained mostly calm, called Ryan and my voice cracked and he could tell that although I was calm he needed to turn around. Luckily he had only made it to the Hershey exit, so he could turn back around quickly.

Ryan came back and we called the family. We prayed that all would be okay, and that the answers would come quickly. A few people came in to visit during this time and I don't really remember who all was there, but I was nervous and scared. My mom and sisters arrived and my brother and sister in law and Bryce arrived too. Ryan was getting very anxious, still no update or answers and it had been an hour.

Around 7:00 pm Dr. S came in and hugged me. I knew it was bad. He asked how I was doing?

I replied, "well, that depends on what you have to tell me."

He sighs. (this is not good at all.)

The summarized version. Your baby was not oxygenating well. We did ABG'S and put her on oxygen and that didn't help. We did a chest x-ray and a ECHO and we see that something is wrong with her heart. I can't be sure what it is and so that's why we are going to fly your baby out.

I know he explained everything well,better than I have here. He also went into detail of the plans of what the night entailed. Asking if I was dismissed, (thank God, Dr. J let me go) and explaining where Adalei would be sent but not to leave to go there yet, until we knew I would be able to ride with her or not. He then informed us that we could go back into the NICU and see Adalei now too.

When he left the room and Started sobbing, and pleading to God out loud. Arms surrounded me. I felt so lost and confused. I wanted answers and I wanted my baby.

This is going on long enough for today. More another day. Stay tuned.

My baby girl

I was right. Adalei Rose Tullis arrived Monday at 927 pm. Weighing in at a whopping 9.1! 22 inches long and beautiful head of dirty blond/brown hair. Much like her Mommy had when she was born.

I write this post as a vent though. A cry out of mercy. You see my Sweet sweet Adalei has Transposition of the Great Arteries. She is to have open heart surgery today hopefully at 11-12 this am.

I am scared.
I am mad.
I am grateful-- that this is the heart condition. It's an "easy" fix. If you want to call open heart surgery on my 2 1/2 day old baby easy.
I am supposed to home making an awesome supper for my hubby and I to share on our 4th anniversary. NOT praying and hoping for the best as my Adalei fights. Tonight is going to be a Bad night for her they say. Lots of ups and downs. I am not sure I can handle the downs right now. I am going to have to.

I was supposed to cuddling her at home. Not staring at her from her isolette. She was supposed to breastfeeding, she was not supposed to have a intubation tube down her mouth.
She was supposed to be staring up at me with her pretty dark blue eyes, she was not supposed to have swollen, black and blue eyes, and unable to open them.

I am supposed to be breastfeeding her, not the electrical pump in the Lactation room.

This sounds a lot like me me me, I I I. And to tell you the truth right now, I don't care. It is, how it is! I know God is present. I am very confused right now. I am questioning so many things, but I am grateful for what He is providing for my family. The medical staff at both facilities have been wonderful. I have lots of things that I AM grateful for, but I just feel so overwhelmed. It's not how thing were supposed to go. At least not in my plan.

but..

It's His plan, and although I don't understand it, nor right now do I like it. He is in control.

Lord please help my baby!!!!

Would you all please pray for her too!!!!!

I will try to update soon.

3 days

Three more due until my official due date, my appointment and my anniversary. It sounds like I have my priorities a little mixed up huh? I know. I can't think of anything else except getting Adalei here. I need to slow my roll. I do feel different today. More crampy in my lower pelvis, TMI but I did lose my MP yesterday. So maybe my baby finally decided to settle down and stay there! I have had 3 contractions in a hour. But its mild and doesn't bother me. I am going to go bounce on my "birthing ball" and see if that helps any. I keep reading all these different forums on Babycenter, about ladies and their birth stories. It's getting me all excited. However, I think it is not helping in other ways, because at the end of the day Addie is still in there. I just get more and more anxious. Today is the day I predicted her to show up. But I think I chose early this AM for my time so she has passed that hours ago. All those people that thought I was going to burst before August were way off now..... :)
I have 2 more days of work. Not looking forward to it. I just hope Addie and I can get this done today! They closed our unit Saturday. I don't know if its been opened back up yet or not. I really don't like to work on another floor, just because I have no clue where things are. In addition to the fact that if they float me I am most likely not going to be in charge. Which normally would be okay, but if you have to care for patients that are not independent (which really, most never are) that makes for a lot of pulling and lifting on a prego body. When you work on your own floor, teamwork is a little more established. Other floors, not so much, its kind of an independent game plan... Which scares me. Saturday a lady was attempting to fall while I helped her back to bed. Luckily we were close enough to her bed I was able to aim her to the bed as she lowered herself. We made it. Phew!

Make that 4 contractions in one hour..... Maybe today? *crosses fingers*

It's all in Gods hands, right? He is so good. I pray that my patience keeps it up while the clock keeps ticking by. She will come soon.

Party-pants

Well Ryan didn't know why he was having a party honoring him. He was suprised a little. We had a great turn out. A little over 50 people is what I was told. It was so much fun. I loved visiting with everyone, seeing all the little kiddos playing and having a blast. The food turned out really great too. I just loved it. It was better than I had planned. I did expect it to be a late night event, but everyone helped me clean up and we were out of there before 1030. I was suprised! It was such a blessing to see so many people there and to have a chance to thank each of them. It was wonderful. Holly snapped some pictures, If I get ahold of any I will try to post them on here!

Well, many people teased me about popping before the night was up. You know what, I haven't felt this good in about 2 weeks. I am a little puffy, but I have not had hardly any contractions and barely any back pain today. My Grandma and my Mom had me planned for today. Unless its the calm before the storm, I don't think today is the day. I was hoping I would just have her before Monday that way I would be done with work, but I suppose my chances of that are slimming down.. (Maybe I'll take that drive through the corn field..... Nah, the corn is tall right now I couldn't drive over it! Tubing would be bumpy enough..... Hmmmm? :) I'll just wait it out!) Oh yeah, at my appointment they told me I was only 1-2cm dialated-- same lady checked too, so I am sure that she was trying to be hopeful for me and say "to 2cm".... Hahaha. I am still long she says also, so Adalei is still not engaged. I was really disappointed that day, but I am okay with it today. I think thats because the pain isn't there like it has been. I was getting so restless/anxious with the prospect that maybe we were getting close only to find I would stop and it was all just false labor.

I have had a few dreams about the labor. All went well, water broke and everything went nice and quick. I haven't been sleeping well, I keep on hoping that I will wake up to find that my water broke. So I been waking up to check and see, if there was any development. Dry. Sleep. Awake. Get up and pee. Sleep. Awake. Check. Dry. Sleep. And so on and so forth.

It will happen when God and Adalei decide its time, there is nothing that I can do to change that. Plus, I still have 12 days until she is due. Why am I getting in such a hurry!? Because I want to smell my baby girl, caress her sweet cheeks, pat her bottom, have her hold my finger. Sigh.....

Health update and a little venting.

Had my echo today. The tech that does it, said everything looked great. Yesterday, NHI called and said that my heart strips were back and my rate ranged from 62-182. When I actually noted a symptom of faster heart rate or palpitations it was only 118 as a high. They will review it more with me on the 10th. I also exercised and am sure that's when the 182 rate came into play. I felt fine though-- an understandable fast rate that went away quickly. My episodes are when I am virtually doing nothing and last 20-30 minutes. I want to catch those!!

Now I am just going to be dismissed and nothing of it. Its aggravating to me. I want to scream, and cry and be upset over it. I feel like a fool. The Echo tech kept saying "this is so easy, I've never had a good looking heart as this." Why would that make me angry? I have no idea, but I do feel angry about it all. I honestly don't want something to be wrong with my heart. I just want answers. Not the brush -off. I feel 182 is terribly high. But I never felt it was that high. I hear the words now. "You just need to increase your activity level (exercise regimen) and practice stress relief techniques." (aka: "It's all in your head and you are morbidly obese and need to lose some freaking weight.")

I am so sorry, this is coming across very negative to everyone reading. I have been moody these last few days and I few bad about it. So I am sorry you are catching it. But I needed another outlet, praying helps calm me but I want to release my anger first.

I am going to go get supper ready for my wonderful supportive husband now.

Appointment and Anxiety.... not needed, I suppose?

Had another baby appointment today. I am measuring big for size, and I have a referral to the Cardiologist.

Seen Dr. W today. I waited about 30 minutes before I got to the room, and then I was in and out the door very quickly. With a few new orders and plans shoved at me as I chased him out the door. Well not quite, but he responded to my concerns and however, quickly he ordered things, he did do so.... Next appointment they are going to do another US. and it's finally going to be by my fave Dr., Dr. J. He usually is very thorough. So I plan on asking him to take a peek at my babies parts while we are there, if he will oblige me. I was nervous about Dr. W saying I was measuring big. We were discussing heart stuff and he threw this at me in the middle of it, and we were out the door to get a referral before I could really figure out what he was saying. I didn't even think to ask how much over I measured. So, although I remembered that it was not really a big ordeal to be measuring big, I am/was fretting. I looked it up on numerous pregnancy websites. Most likely I just have a big baby, or she is just positioned high this visit, or several other things that don't amount to too much. I really honestly believe that she is positioned high today. I was having trouble breathing this afternoon, and I suspect it was because she stretched higher into my ribs than usual. We'll see.

I am awaiting a call for my heart appointment. I am nervous about it. I am scared about any medication, even if I have been told and have read that most are safe this late in the pregnancy, I am scared of it hurting her heart, or other side effects it could have on her.... Or which sounds silly; they dismiss me, and tell me to get over it, and tell me I am pretending. All the tests have been negative... I want to know if there is something more I should be doing. I have found the triggering factors though. Heat, digestion, and stress. The first of these three is the most common trait I believe.. so far. I have ate and not had issues, and I have been in the heat and not had issues, but there are the times that I have had them. Unfortunately, the hardest part of my pregnancy I will be enduring more and more heat. I just hope that that doesn't result in more and more tachycardia issues.... The last few I've had, have been at home, and I just cool off, do some vagal maneuver and relaxation techniques, I can usually get it to go away in about 20-30 minutes. Dr. W. tells me that he thinks this is too long of a time frame. I will agree, I thought that before, but after my ER visit I thought maybe it isn't that big of a deal. But that day I felt 2 hours was a he** of a long time to be having it. If he is saying 20 minutes is too long, I feel better that I did go in now. I honestly felt VERY foolish going to the ER . Now I don't. I am nervous and scared about my visit today, I feel a little better now that I have gotten some of my feelings out there. Sorry if it kinda jumbled.

Baby's heart rate was 130-- isn't that kinda low???? Dr. W wasn't concerned I guess......
Arg!

Well I need to get my little guy into bed. Have a great night!

Silly Sadness

I feel like a big loser today. I am just bumming at home, Ryan's golfing with friends. I am happy that he is enjoying that, I would never take that away from him. I am just lonely right now. I want some heart to heart conversations with my friends. Most of my former friends are a long ways away. I don't hang out with anyone from work, outside of work, and I have one friend here in town I seldom hang out with. I do enjoy hanging out with her. She has 3 1/2 kids and my 1 1/2 kids--it's never deep convo. So what do I do. Pour my heart out to random people over the Internet. Nice compromise huh? I know that I do have great friends and family that read this, its just I am a little sad today. I was so hoping for a good day today. I woke up feeling horrible, thankfully I am better. I did go to some garage sales.... Actually, I got an armful of baby girl clothes for 8 bucks, so that was good. Also got some adorable little shoes for Addalei. I just am sad. missing old friends, missing the close visits that hubbies sometimes don't have patience for.

Oh poor pitiful me.... arg!

I suppose I will put my moping to good use and make some sourdough bread-- being how I am in a sour mood.

Thanks for listening.

Great Weekend and Note to My Friend

Hello,

I had a wonderful weekend. Ryan and I headed down to Omaha. It was a very nice get-away for me and my hubby. Totally relaxing and fun. We went to the casino and I lost some and Ryan lost a bunch--and then recovered it! :) Ate at some fun place. We got some FUN shopping done. The best part-- I got to see Sarah, and meet little Jackson!!!

After meeting Jackson and buying some fun baby clothes, I am starting to feel that nesting thing coming on strong. I want to get the room ready, but I don't have a room to move Luke too yet. so it will all have to wait. But I am getting really excited.

I decided to post some pics of my specific clothes I have bought new for the baby. I still have quite a few used girl items that were given to me, and of course all of Luke's things for a boy. But I needed a few extras. Hee hee. It made me feel better. I actually have a nice selection of things.

I have quite an assortment of little girls things, and almost everything that I have ever bought was on clearance/sale. My mom bought that cute shirt and blue skort. Way too cute!





It obvious that I have a thing for fruity flavored clothes!! Hee hee

This has the cherries on the front (see above this one) and on the little bottom. Too cute!



Some big girl clothes, most of which I paid 1 dollar or less for. I Love the polka-dot shirt!!

We do have some boy clothes also, just not as many new ones. I have boxes of clothes to go through if this is a boy! Note: the cute pumpkin hat that I picked up for 25 cents. Great buy, I also got the cute girls white hat for the same price. Steal!



The bottom on this one is also adorable. I purchased a similar outfit for Jackson at toys-r-us, and then realized its a carters outfit too. So when I was at carters store the next day and saw this number I had to get it. It was on sale too. They had great Memorial Day sales; we got over 10 things and spent 40 bucks! I would really like to saw that my hubby was the one that found the pricier items that we purchased ;) I love Carters. Most of the outfits are carters whether I brought directly from there store or from department stores. I would just dress my child in Carters clothes if they had a store nearby!!!

This little number is the coming home/hospital picture outfit for my little girl. I have had this outfit since before Luke was born, in case he was a little girl. I absolutely adore it! It is two separate pieces but I had to have a sweater over it, because Luke was to be born in the early spring, and so yeah. The sweater. They are adorable pieces alone, or together. I took the liberty to show it off a little.


I love the purple in it. Way too cute!



Here is the same dress with little truck tracks on it. Big Brothers! I don't have a coming home outfit for if its a boy yet. Because I haven't found the perfect one yet. But trust me you will see it one way or another!


Daddy picked out this cute little vibrating chick for the baby. It is too adorable. It chirps too. I have been holding on my belly. The baby squirms after I play it. :)

Maybe I should include this next long bit into a post of its own, but oh well, they correlate, and you can take a break if your eyes are bugging out.

I was given the privilege to meet Jackson, one of my bestest friends ever, Sarah's new little guy. I meet him Saturday. Just slightly over 12 hours after he was born. Jackson is such a cutie pie. He was six weeks early and my is he a cutie. I was actually with Sarah when she held Jackson for the very first time. Sigh... I knew I was going to need my Kleenexes to write this all out. I can't stop crying. It was beautiful. (I know that holding Luke for the first time was beyond awesome.) I just felt this bond between Sarah and Jackson emit from them. It was magnetizing.

Being a nurse and studying about all aspects of life/medical/emotional needs. I thought I had the basics covered for what a NICU mother/baby bond would be like. I even knew what it was like to have a baby myself. However, nothing could prepare me for the whole tornado of emotions I went through just watching Sarah and Jackson. Not even brushing on the tip of the iceberg what Sarah must have been feeling.

Sarah had pre-eclampsia and needed to deliver him early. The emergency of taking Jackson to make sure he was well, would have been heart-wrenching. Seeing your baby for a few moments and not being able to see him for hours after would have been horrible. I can't imagine it. Not knowing what he is going through. Not being able to take that time to count each toe and finger, and see all the faces of your loved ones as he is shown to everyone. That would have been hard. Sarah was strong though, and knowing that your little one needs that extra care right then, would have been enough to allow him to leave your side. My heart leaps out for Sarah with that thought. I don't think I would have been that strong.

It was great to see Sarah, she was a glowing Mama. However, she was very tired too. I remember the day of and after Luke was born, not wanting to sleep for fear of missing something, and desperately needing rest. Then I was able to go with her and her Mama and sister to see Jackson.

I stood quietly outside Jackson's room, as the nurse and Sarah discussed the care and needs of little Jackson prior to Sarah finally holding him. I thought to myself, If I was in Sarah's shoes I would be blanking out by now. Wanting to have the nurse be done so I could hold my baby, but coming back to realize that this is necessary information on how I can help my little one the best.

Just knowing the all too fragile state Jackson was in/could potentially be in, scared me. I was afraid he would bust if we whispered too loud. But, you could obviously see how strong and healthy he was. This little dude did not require any oxygen needs. That rocks! He was still closely monitored by numerous cords and electrodes, and was receiving IV fluids. All the cords are so cumbersome. I deal with cords and tubes on the babes I care for on my floor, but this seemed so much more vital too me on Jackson. I stared in awe at the numbers and the little heart rhythm scrolling across the screen. I thought so many questions to myself. I can't even imagine all the questions Sarah would have had.

Sarah, had magnesium still infusing, and although I have never experienced it, I do know that many of its side effects are not fun at all. Sarah must have been feeling all this exhaustion from labor and lack of sleep, and overwhelming excitement that all mothers have. However, on top of that too-- weariness, pain and excessive heat brought on by the mag. She sat holding Jackson, in that wonderful soothing bliss all mothers know. Taking all of her little one in, as if she were breathing his spirit in. Familiarizing herself with every grasp, wiggle, and grunt he made. Seeing her soothe him when he was fussing was endearing. When Sarah leaned forward to kiss her little one, it was very surreal. She barely brushed him with her lips. I think that is when it really hit me the most. He is so little, and fragile. I couldn't know what Sarah was thinking then, but I know when Luke was born, it took me 2 weeks before I really felt comfortable to kiss him.

Was it the whole theory that nurses don't kiss babies/patients? I think that was part of it. There was part of me that also felt that he wasn't truly mine, I did not have the right to kiss him. He would be taken away from me, so I better not do too much or get too close. This also plays into the part of, what if I lose him? What if he were to die/or get really sick? I don't want to hurt him, or be too attached. Really odd thoughts, but that's how I felt with Luke, so maybe this is how Sarah felt kind of.

When I left that night, Sarah was back to her room and Jackson was in his own room all snuggly warm and ever so handsome. I thought to myself, I have been a witness to such a momentous thing here, and have thought about hardly anything else since then. I feel truly blessed to be a part of that moment.

Sarah, thank you. I hope this post means as much to you as the experience you gave me. I just wanted to give you a glimpse in to how thankful for that moment I was. I feel totally undeserving to have been a part of it. I will cherish it with all of my heart! I am so proud of you for dealing with all you did in your pregnancy, and doing all you could to allow Jackson more time to grow. You are an amazing Mama! Jackson is a lucky little Graham cracker! I can't wait to see him when he is a big strong boy, in which, I will be showering him with kisses!! Sorry Jackson, Auntie Cindy will be after you!

I will say that though Jackson is the cutest little bug around, and I am getting ants in my pants for my little bug to show up. I think I will be okay if he/she bakes for a few more months first!!

Oh and I think you all deserve a pic of my little man too... Thanks for joining me with this LONG post. :)

Happy Memorial Day!

Daddy's Little Baby

Well Ryan felt the baby move a week or so ago, but last night was fun too. I have been seeing my belly jump with the baby's movement and have been trying to get Ryan to notice them. He is way too impatient to watch for long. Luckily the baby gave him a big kick/move right before he gave up. He looked at me and said "that was you hiccuping wasn't it?" Um, no honey that was the baby. "Really, that was huge! I swore that was you!" He then proceeded to get really close to my belly so he could see me and and talking to my belly. It was cute.

I am stealing my dear friend Sarah's idea about thing to post about the baby and such.


How Far Along: 26 weeks and 1 day.

How much weight have you gained: About 10 pounds. More than I should be. I have 3 months of rapid baby growth, so most of the weight is just me. Argh. I am trying to limit it to 15 pounds. I did decent with Luke, I ended up gaining 22 all together. We'll see how this one goes.

How big is Baby: The baby sites say about 1.6 pounds, and is 14 inches long.

Cravings: Anything ice cream related, cheese, pickles, fresh fruit ( glad about that one, because I have not been eating too healthy lately), peanut butter. None of this all together mind you. I did however try a peanut butter cheese sandwich, which was disgusting.

Labor signs: Not as frequent lately. Thank goodness. I am starting to have more inner thigh aches??? I still get a few contractions here and there, no biggie though. :)

Maternity Clothes: I got this really cute pink and white striped hooded shirt from Shopko that I adore. It hugs the good and smooths out the bad. I look REALLY pregnant, but it's a good thing!

Sleep: Now that's a topic I could rant on and on about. My hips and shoulder hurt so much anymore, I turn on one side and once that side hurts, I switch. The problem is my opposite side hasn't recovered yet by the time I turn back on it. Frequent trips to the bathroom, and the muscle/ligaments in the lower pelvic region just give me the sharpest pain ever when I go to get out of bed. Which makes a bathroom trips more aggravating than just the fact of doing so multiple times. I have to do this ugly awkward roll out of bed. Not a pretty sight I am sure! :)

Milestone: Ryan seeing and feeling the baby move. Too precious.


I am still fretting the Breastfeeding issue. I know there is nothing I can do about it, yet. I have been looking up multiple breast pumps, The Medela is my choice even if it is $$$, we got to have a good one. the great thing is, at the home care equipment here in town I get a discount for being an employee. Awesome, and first I probably will just rent, to make sure this all goes well, and then, if I get a new one, they deduct the amount that that I paid for renting one price off the new one from the amount. Awesome huh!?

I am not sure who all reads my blog but I have something fun planned and am not allowed to share all the details here, due to that fact. However, I would really like to share with you whats up my sleeve. I will be happy to inform most of you, if you ask. But please refrain from asking other members of my family, because they might be the person I am trying to keep it secret from. * Wink wink*

Anyways.... Have a great day!!!!

Love
Cindy

At Last

Well, I haven't been hiding under a rock or anything, but my sweet man had troubles with the mouse on our computer, so I have been without the computer for about 2 weeks now. I am so glad to be able to update!!!

So life. Sigh, not enough time to share all that I have been feeling lately. Maybe I shouldn't even delve into that whole conversation, It could take awhile.

Anyways, preggo symptoms are mellowed out. I am feeling this little one move, but no great punches or kicks, they are very few and far between when felt. We are scoping out different names. Coming up with some crazy/different ones, when we have them kinda narrowed down I will share. I am in Love with Adaleen, but today I thought of Jovie, or Novie (for a girl). I am not such what Ryan will say to the last two. Still in the beginning stages with the names so hopefully more on that topic later. However, I am not so in love with the pregnant body. I am really bummed right now. Tummy is sticking out due to baby, but it's the fat roll above my baby bump that is obvious and showing, NOT my baby. Argg...

The emotional roller coaster is in service this week. I am on board for never ending trips on it. I feel so compelled to want to be very selfish, and say "It's not fair. I am pregnant." That thought came too many times this week. Bawled many a day for stupid reasons. I just feel ugly, stupid, and like I can't do anything right. Alright, that's about all the more I will share on that topic. On Friday I went to Bible study, and decided giving those feelings to God to help me out. It really helped.
Work today, I think I forgot to pray before, because Phew... It was a crazy place. Left there around 845 tonight. To be back again at 0645. I hate days like that. Lots of prayers going up tonight and tomorrow morning before work starts. Yeah.

Luke Daniel is my little sponge of communication skills this week. He has said so many things I don't think I can remember them all. He is saying:

Luke (finally!)
Beau
Door
Wall
Eye-- for crying, poor kid watched me do that one to many thims this week.

I know there are tons more but I am forgetting them. I so proud of my big boy!!!

Well, I will be better at posting, I promise! I hope to get a banner up that matches my new St. Patty's Day theme background. We will see how soon that all works out.

Love
Cindy

Well now that I am here I feel that I don't have as much juice to get a long blog going. I had all sorts of ideas and thoughts, now... not so much.

I work tomorrow. Work is changing. Change at work sometimes scares me. I am going to continue to pray its for the best, but I am nervous.

Morning sickness-- no throw up but the constant nausea, is tiresome. I had a few days of it during our vacation. Not fun. Overall the trip to Branson was fun. I got some cute clothes and serving dishes and a new white jacket to wear with maternity shirts, because I am not buying a bunch of maternity tops... sigh.

I feel all sorts of melancholy today. I feel really excited for this little one, and I don't feel that it is a shared excitement. I talked about it, we are both in agreement that we are blessed that we are. I just am not focused on the work to prepare. I guess. That's all it ever is. I think that is how most are. I just want the all smiles jumping up and down excitement, not the worried/happy excitement. I am not thinking practical I suppose.

Ryan and I are starting a HEALTHY Family plan. I am trying to make up some name tags for my graph I am making. I am excited, to do this, today i just don't care about a lot.

I must say that I know there has been all clear signs for months now, I am still nervous about Ryan's Dr. Appointment today. What if now that we have little one on the way there is a positive tumor marker. Ahh.. Quit borrowing trouble Cindy.

On a positive note my little peanut is about the size of a medium shrimp!! Grow Baby Grow!

We have been starting the mental list of possible baby names. We have pretty much decided that we would like to go with biblical names. Although Luke Daniels name wasn't planned that way, it ended up that it is all biblical names, and thought maybe that theme was a good road to go down. We will see. I am on the fence about it. There are a few names I like that are not biblical.

Well I guess I had better get some things done. Good day everyone!

Cindy

10 Days

This is just a random post. Can you believe there are 10 days til Christmas?!

I still hate ham. Yuck!

I love Christmas.

I love my present this year! It's the best one ever.

This year. Wow, this year. I never want to repeat it. It makes this Christmas extra special.

My husband is the most wonderful, caring man alive.

P.S. I Love You is a great movie.

I am tired and emotional-- after watching this movie.

I still am wanting to cry.

I am excited for getting Christmas cards and treats delivered.

I posted different music for Christmas. These are my favorite ones.

Here are the Christmas tree hunt pictures. We had fun even though it was bitter yesterday.

Hot Chocolate and Candy canes are a must. Jamming out to Christmas tunes also a must.

Luke chillin' in his impressive snow suit.

Daddy enjoying his cup of minty cheer!

Yah! Our Christmas tree. It tried to escape twice and roll away from us. But we captured it!! hee hee.

Merry Christmas!

Cindy

Settling

Clearly I am feeding into my own problems. So I am going to try to relax and forget the time schedule and the "planning" of things and just let myself be happy with life and understand that things are not on my time schedule. They are on His, and work on realizing that, and when a miracle shows up, I will be all the more grateful to receive it.

I am very blessed right now anyways. I have a healthy wonderful husband, and a beautiful adventurous little boy to keep me busy. We are coming along nicely on our house and so soon I should be able to have friends and family over more often, which should be lots of fun. I also have an upcoming play that I will be directing... Plenty to keep me busy.

I am just trying to fill my head with things that I need to do anyways, rather than contemplating what my body is doing next and what it supposedly means.

There you have it. I am going to try to cut back on the nonsense. Phew... I hope its not a bigger bite than I can chew. You will have to excuse me if I revert back to the anxious unsettled stewing again.

Focused,
Cindy