I'm sorry I haven't been to bloggy. Started back at work and it has been an adjustment to get myself in flow with the new routine. I am procrastinating on finishing my Journey posts because I don't know if I can remember all of it clearly. It's all a little foggy. But I will do my best.
We went to her isolette in the NICU. There she was with all the monitor watching over her. I looked up at the screen reading numbers, knowing where they should be and horrifically finding they were no where near that. Oxygen Sats in the 70s. Heart rate 110s. My heart plummeted. I tried to stay strong. I was confused. I tried to make myself understand it all. I felt guilty for not knowing why there was those crappy numbers and no interventions being done. She was lying there with an iv. There was a tiny oxygen mask nearby but not on her. I was puzzled. I looked to the nurses with tears in my eyes. They knew my question before I did.
"Her oxygen levels have to stay low so her natural patent ductus foramen will stay open, and won't naturally close. If she is well oxygenated it will close and there will be no oxygenated blood into her body, just her lungs."
70s-80 oxygen saturations... brain function. oxygen. The brain needs oxygen.
"Her brain function should not be affected."
Hmm. They read my thoughts. My questions must have been written on my face. Slightly relieved.
Her color, her little feet are dusky, I want to so bad comfort and hold her. I touch her and make her mad, and she startles. The nurse politely instructed me to not stroke but hold constant touch to her skin. I want to pick her up. I want to put her back in my belly and keep her healthy inside of me. I want to take back every minute of time that I spoke of wanting her to be born. Just make her better, what is wrong with her, will she live, will she die? God please let her live. Please heal my sweet sweet Adalei.
I go back to my room to find some sweet friends that had come to welcome little Adalei, and meet her 4 day old baby as well. I give little Anna a caress on the top of her head, thinking man I wish it was my baby, I wish I could be holding my healthy little girl. i head into my room and start to gather my belongings, I have a few short hours until the Air flight team would arrive. I had to compose myself. I stared at the wall, at my bed, became irritated with everything int eh room and came back to my worried stupor. I Packed and repacked. Stuff for me to go on the fligh,t stuff to be sent with Ryan to brig in the vehicle to come to Denver, and things that could be sent home.
My new night nurse comes in and gives me my dismissal papers, I take some Ibuprofen, and decided to breast pump for Adalei. It was the only thing I felt I had control of. I didn't get much and the nurse decided it was not enough to save and pitched it. I bawled. Even that was taken from me.
I felt so numb, Ryan felt so far away, I felt empty like I wasn't there. Numb. 8:30 came the flight was supposed to arrive around 900pm. I'm getting anxious and went into see my daughter again. I really don't remember much during this time, just watching her, then returning to my room and staring at all the faces in the room. Luke was getting tired and crabby, and I was frustrated with him, but I wanted him close. My healthy little boy. We discussed family plans, who was coming , and who was staying. Mom and Dad would go to Denver. Ryan Chad and ED would go together to Denver. Kim and Chris would go together to Denver. Holly, Tricia, Bryce, Bella, and Luke would come later.
900pm came and went. We went and talked to the nursing staff. The flight team couldn't leave Denver yet because of the weather. wait.wait. wait.
1000pm the flight team just arrived, now we had to wait and see if they thought I could ride along with Adalei or not. Again wait. Wait. Wait. I believe Mom left for Denver about this time, and was going to pick up Dad on the way there.
Signed the ambulance tranfer papers, signed air flight papers. Got the "okay" that I could ride along they believed and Ryan left, with his brother and dad to go to Denver and meet us at P/SL.
I thought we would be leaving very soon after, 1030 came then 1100. I went to see what was going on. They had to intubate Adalei, because she needed prostiglandins (which would help keep the patent ductus foramen open ) in which made her red all over, and more importantly could make her become apneic (stop breathing), thus, the breathing tube. The Air flight team did this, however my little fighter didn't tolerate the procedure and fought them through it. So it took longer.
They had her all ready to go, the family members that were staying behind peeked at Adalei as she was wheeled by.
We finally left the hospital at 1122 pm, on a very slow moving ambulance to a airport where this tiny jet was. They loaded my baby up and I climbed in. It was the fastest trip to Denver I've ever had or ever will have, but it felt like it took forever. I was ready to have answers, and a plan, and my baby.
The jet we rode in. Stay tuned..... Adalei wants me to stop blogging and feed her right now! :)